I'm been busy and distracted by life so if you wish to find me go to furaffinity or weasyl. I'm under Jacob OHare there.

At about 10:30Am TODAY I had the viagra ad running through my mind... You've reached the age when you know better than to eat Ghost chili BBQ...You've reached the age when you really don't give a crap if the bathroom is only for customers....You've reached the age when you know better than to not spend a fiver at said bathroom...


Oh, and I used to think writing blogs was hurting my writing....till I read Kurt Vonegut's Cat's Cradle.

I'm going through a hard time and I see no hope for help. I'm going to try and write to get the darkness out of me and I will be posting here. It will be dark, incredibly dark. Just a warning

Been hunting for a friend for a couple of weeks but no contact. Finally I called the cops to find him. Found out he was emotionally compromised. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. I'm so fucking sick and tired of trying to be the honorable man and do the right thing. I'm so fucking tired of bearing bad news and bearing pain.

Ok, politicians and media are critiquing clowns on comedy. Even though the sole purpose of a jester was to tell the king he was full of shit and was not a god

Situational analysis; really, really, really, F'ed up.

My biggest problem is fear. A total an utter fear of life and things and trying to attack. Please understand crap just keeps falling on me. If you are following this you understand. I'm on my 2nd shrink and my 2nd shrink who has asked me how I haven't committed suicide. When I did my orientation session with the new guy he was writing down notes like crazy. I wonder if I qualify for Post traumatic? Now, life is slowing down. Still sucks but slowing down. Wrecked my car but now I have a car which might be a bargain. But still. I just can't grip on any kind of success. If it isn't losing money it's losing dreams or it's losing people.

I'm tired and I feel like I aged 50 years in 5.

I'm going to try and take steps forward but I need help. I'm trying but I understand that no one really wants to come to me.

Still I'm trying to step forward.

So, my car hits a guardrail and head to head a telephone pole. Owie.... But my shitup car is dead and I have a new one. 2000 Buick LeSabre, 112K miles.

7 Years ago the person I call my furry godfather told me I had 6 months to get out of his house. As cruel as it seems it was the right move. I was not registering time in my mind and I was clinging in an unhealthy way. I moved back in with my parents. Fast forward to now. My dad died on fathers day and now my mom is clinging to me. She talks about needed me for a year, when I can't take another day. Today, I'm going to slam a list of grief counselors and therapists in front of her and tell her that if she doesn't call and get an appointment I'm going to blow my brains out right in front of her. I have sacrificed too much for my family. I could have been married to the one I loved. I should be in Canada most likely working. I would have bullied Mike into getting meds for his problems. Hell, I don't even think I have friends left who are reading this. I'm alone and deeply depressed. My mom thinks this is ok but we are using each other like a crutch.

I have to break a widow's heart to help her heal. And my own.

Didn't write about this only because I was tired. On Sunday my dad died of cancer. He fought the good fight. He was given about 6 months but he took 3 more years. :) I won't lie, that made me proud. Last week he was just tired. You could see the soul was gone and the body had yet to catch up. He was in a lot of pain. The best thing was I got the chance to tell him I loved him and I now understood how much he sacrificed for the family.

Still, I'm numb and tired too.

For the past 4 years I have been miserable as fuck. I lost my love, my passion, and at times my will to live. Now I'm losing my dad. I'm watching day after day he's rotting away into nothing because of cancer. I stay because my mom is a nervous wreck who, much like the rest of us, is an anti-social. I want to go out and do things but I'm afraid my dad will die alone. I also have pressures of friends and potential lovers who want me to come to them. I'm broke, I can't seem to save money. my car is constantly falling apart and I'm so damned lonely.

But this weekend I was in the company softball team and just got out. I forgot what sunburn was. I forgot now nice it is just to joke with people. I want to try and get to the NHL draft in NJ. I live in constant fear my car will die on me but it's a chance to see people and be with something I enjoy. I would hang out with furries.....if they weren't so frigging far away.